my own world

Sometimes, I feel like I look at life from a completely different angle then everyone around me. It's a bit disconcerting.

I mean, who else procrastinates by cleaning the kitchen, and needs to check behind closed shower curtains to make sure no one is lurking there?

Time to go enjoy the working atmosphere at the library.

AHHH! [random]

I'm hoping one of my other orchids will bloom. It developed a small bulge that I'm hoping is the flower bud.

When I first got dirt to plant the free cuttings I got from the greenhouse, my suitemate said "You just have a bag of dirt sitting in your room? That's not normal."

I want another orchid!

I just looked at Sarah's pictures. I have a serious love of wearing my only orange shirt when I go out. I think I should find a new going out shirt. The problem is, I hate ALL my shirts. Except a few. Which I wear a lot. Hmm... If I didn't spend so much money on random things like magazine subscriptions...

I also like to deprive myself of sleep. I told Pam I'd go running with her tomorrow at 10:30, because my parents are coming here at 12ish. This could be a problem, because of the Halloween party I'm about to go to...

OY VEY!

I heart Victory Golden Monkey. If anyone out there knows what this is, and likes it, let me know. We should hang out sometime.

I'm in THAT mood. The one where you can't comprehend the work you have to do. When you know you should go to sleep, but the bed is too far away. All you can do it stare at the computer screen or a book and think "Shit, program filing begins next week. I still have no clue what I want to major in". It's practically November. What am I doing, sitting here, not studying for my Japanese written midterm?

I want to talk to my History of Islamic Cultures professor. He seems like he knows so much. But I don't know how to do that, approach teachers and just chat. I have to have a reason, or I'm uncomfortable. I like his class. A lot. I was wondering if taking arabic would be as painful as Japanese. Probably just as bad. I was wondering if majoring in religion or sociology would be a cop out. Somehow, my brain doesn't want to accept majoring in any "fluffy" subjects. Or maybe that's just the voice of my uncle saying nothing but science is good enough. Why my uncle? Because out of my immediate family, he's the one who puts the most value on smart-ness.

I think this is some state of shock. I need to stop this semi-freaking out.

Late

Last year, I was never late for any sort of frisbee event unless something important deterred me. This year, I've been late for practice (only by 5-10 minutes) at least 3 times. I blame it on my long school/work days. However, I never thought I'd have a problem waking up for a tournament. Saturday morning, 6:08 rolls around, my phone rings.
Mara: Hey Joni, are you coming today?
Me: Yeah! (as in, why would you even ask? I am half asleep at this point)
Mara: Do you want to be on the bus right now?
Me: What time is it?
Mara: 6:08
Me: SHIT!
Mara:Hurry up!
I had set my alarm for 5:15 early friday evening, and checked it twice to make sure I turned it on. I must have heard my alarm, turned it off and gone back to sleep. I managed to get to the bus at 6:20, was welcomed by Mara with "You look like you're struggling", apologized to the bus (and was booed) , and collapsed in a back seat to organize everything I had just stuffed into my bag. Not the best way to start a tournament, but at least I wasn't left behind. I'm actually a little annoyed about the attitude surrounding the situation, but whatever, it's over, and I'm not gonna run late again for a tournament.
Today, I'm not very sore at all, which is a big surprise. I played a lot yesterday, and I was sore from practice on thursday. Maybe because I played so much...? My feet hurt, though. Stupid cleats are too thin to play in all days.

Last night, I went out with my suitemate and her friends to a bar on 47th street. I didn't get back till 4am. It was way different then any other bar I've been too. Some random guy just approached one of the girls out of no where, started talking to her, they made out, and then he left! So weird. Some old guy was being socially awkward, while trying to hit on me. He was sitting near our table, and after the person sitting next to me got up to go pick a song, he sat there, but didn't say anything! I finally asked him his name and made small talk, trying to get him to go away. There was also some drunken flirting between me and one of my suitemates friends, and I don't quite know what to do about it, weather to call them and hang out in the future, or just forget about it until we hang out again. I need to stop over thinking situations like this, and do my homework.

Lost in New York

Though the outskirts of Philadelphia can hardly be called a whole different world than New York, recently I've been wondering if New York effects me more negatively then originally estimated. It's not that I don't have friends, or connections, or things to do in New York, but something is weird. I feel disconnected from the world. I haven't had very much motivation at all for the past month (or longer?) to do anything... including going outside my suite and enjoying what fresh air can be found in the city. My sociology class was looking at the "metropolis" and "modern culture" this week. The author we read said the city changes people. It makes them ignore things more, in order to survive in this place of excessive stimulation. It also gives freedom, but at the expense of personal relationships. The city shapes modern society by using a monetary economy, which quantifies almost everything. The city also forces people to become specialized, because only by being good at one thing can people try to preserve their personal identities. I can't help but think these ideas relate to my own situation.

Maybe I'm losing the struggle of modern society versus individual personality.

I'm thinking about looking for some religion. Not the concepts I associate with Christianity, though. Having someone tell me I'm going to hell for some of my beliefs and actions is not something I want to embrace with open arms. Or having someone tell me the only reason I have a chance to be saved is because Jesus died for me. That just doesn't comfort me when I'm going to sleep at night.

Trashy Magazines

As we traveled back from Brooklyn yesterday after an awesome day of ultimate, Mara whipped out a magazine with an article called something like "Like or Love?" providing ten questions to ask your sweetie to judge if he is worth your time. The one question listed as most important ("ask this if you only have time to ask one") was "Would you date yourself? Why or why not?". I don't think this question is appropriate. Because it seems like if they said "no", they aren't worth the time. But if someone asked me that, I think I'd say no. I'm not looking for someone like me. I have enough me in me, thank you very much. That doesn't mean I don't think other people should want to date me. I guess it's all in the eye of the beholder. A "no" answer might be what people want to hear, if the answer to "why or why not?" is very good. A "no" is just so negative though...

Rain, rain, go away

I just read in my inbox a sad email. No Williams tournament this weekend =( due to the rain. And I had been enjoying the rainy weather to a slight degree (except when the wind turned my umbrella inside out) I suppose this change of events is good for my academic career... two midterms next week I really need to study for.

I feel like a lot has been going on in my head the past week. I have found myself talking to an un-named person in my head, trying to convince them why I need to NOT take another semester of Japanese. Today, I felt judged by a freshman as a lost cause. I didn't read a story and answer the questions last night. He didn't answer the questions, but had read the story. We were supposed to "compare" answers in class... He managed to look at the question and think of an answer in about three seconds. I just sit staring at the page, not knowing how to go about this task. I don't have the capabilities to grasp a story in five minutes, let alone answer questions about it. To make matters worse, this freshman is sitting next to me, who probably felt bad for me, barely thinking about what he's doing, making me nervous because he's making me feel judged. At one point, I attempted to try and make the situation work out, but failed. I tried to listen to his answer to the first question, and write it down, but I got flustered in the writing down process. He said the answer in English, which wasn't really what I wanted him to do. I think I convinced him I'm stupid, that's why he tried to explain the answer in English. I can understand Japanese, thank you VERY much, but I just can't listen to someone mumble an answer to a question I haven't read, about a story I haven't read, and write down exactly what they said in two seconds! I don't think I would mind him being in my class if every other kid wasn't a slight variation of him. Making me feel like I can never understand Japanese at the same level they do. I did relatively well on the test from this week, considering I didn't really study.

On a different thought level, I think I need to change my New York living "style". I don't feel motivated to work towards the expectations I have of myself, much less the expectations my teachers have of me. I joined CU Roadrunners in the hopes that I would go on the group runs, and get into shape so I can run the marathon next year. I haven't run outside of practice at all. I thought about going on the group runs once or twice, but didn't make myself go because I knew I'd only end up being the slowest person there, and feeling like crap because of that. I think if I manage to start working out, I might find motivation from the fact that I'm not just lazing around when I'm procrastinating on my school work.

Flowers!

I looked over at my orchids, and to my surprise, one of them has two flower buds! So apparently I'm not mistreating them. I hope the buds don't fake me out and die before they bloom...

I decided to get a miso soup recipe today. I was craving miso soup yesterday. Miso soup is one soup that I have grown to love dearly. "Traditional" American soups, like chicken noodle soup, don't satisfy me. Usually, chicken noodle soup is too bland. For other soups, the balance of vegetables/meat compared to broth doesn't work. Or the soup isn't complete in itself, you have to eat it with bread.

Stress

My stress level just went from 0mph to 60mph and back to 0mph in about a half an hour. God, Japanese sucks sometimes. I had to start writing an advice column answer in class, and it was just real bad. Thank GOD we had the choice to write it over the weekend.

I really need to see if there's anyway this can be my last semester of Japanese. Seriously, I should not spend as much time on a language that doesn't have anything to do with what I want to do in the future when I don't even know what I want to major in.

Going home this weekend was pretty nice, a break from the feeling that I have to get up as early as possible on Saturday and Sunday in the hopes that I will get motivated to do work sooner. Going home was weird, because one of the girls who goes to my church had an interview at Barnard, and her mom offered me a ride home. I fell asleep, like I always manage to do on the car trips from New York to Philadelphia, which may have been awkward for them. But the weirdest thing was trying to talk to this girl who I practically grew up with, and not really feeling comfortable. Her mom dominated the conversation a little, and I was in this position of showing off the wonderfulness of Barnard, when I don't even feel like I know why someone should choose Barnard. Plus, I think they were more interested in BARNARD, with a slight disrespect to the fact that Barnard is part of Columbia. In my mind, Barnard isn't that separate. All my classes this semester are on Columbia's campus. I can't think of anyway anyone could avoid Columbia. Maybe I was just interpreting their tone of voice. So anyway, when I got home, I was welcomed with food. Then I went downtown and proceeded to drink and smoke and spend the night with a good friend. Saturday night was chill. My mom made me lasagna to freeze so I can have homemade instant food =) She also drove me back (holler, no Chinatown bus!) and we had a long talk. Which is weird. I didn't really start talking to my mom till I left for college. I'm trying to get used to telling her more about me.

Monday was crazy. I can not believe I stayed out till 3, worked on my lab more, went to sleep at 4, and woke up at 8 to go to work. And Tuesday managed to be a good day. I had this extra-special-heavy-duty cleaning, which woke me up and made me feel good.

Tomorrow is my suite first party. It's for my suitemates 21st birthday, which is exciting, but I'm nervous not enough of my friends will show up, and I will feel awkward in my own suite. However, we have much good alcohol, so at least if it's super awkward, I can make my self some sweet mixed drinks and then go out and do something more fun.