Anger

Two points
1) I don't think I handle anger well. I was sitting in math today absolutely HATING my teacher because he wasn't prepared for the lesson. I don't think it's normal to be that frustrated over a class I claim not to care about. Maybe I subconsciously still like math, and it makes me angry that he can't teach it. At all.
2) I'm a little sad no dating type thing has happened this year. Sometimes I'm a bit more angry than just sad. Now is one of those times. I keep thinking something's wrong with me. The saying "you have to love yourself before you can love someone else" or the implied end "before someone else can love you" has been said to me, and I know its true in some way, but at this moment realizing that statement is true doesn't help me.
So time to move on. Do something productive. Stop thinking. Wait for another wave of "I love being single" to hit.

I have a goal. I decided today I want to run in the New York Marathon when I'm a junior. That means I can get back into running long distance this summer, join Road Runners next year so I definitely get a spot in the marathon, and keep building up. As of right now, I think I actually have the right mentality for working out all summer. Yay. And summer is so close!! Only three more japanese classes, one more english, math and gym class. I think I can handle that.

I have no money. Almost literally. When I used to say I have no money, it meant I didn't want to spend any more money because I didn't want to break into my savings account. Right now it means I just got charged 35 dollars for taking too much money out of my bank account because I factored in my tax return too early, and forgot I didn't have that money when I paid to join PADA and went on a shopping spree for sculpture materials. Right now, I think I have less money than I have had since 8th or 9th grade. I'm trying to justify it by saying if I had more in the bank, Barnard would just figure it into tuition, but it's not calming me down too much. I don't like spending more than I'm earning.
On a different note, I'm thinking about the benefits of being a vegetarian. Or learning how to make pretty sushi with raw fish. I could be a sushi chef one day. You never know.

Blogging

I read over all my old blog's from blogger and xanga. Starting with junior year and "It's my 17th birthday soon!" I know I had a good amount of blogging from before that which I removed from the internet because my parents had the address, and I didn't really think about the possibility of them reading it. I don't know where all that crap is, but it's somewhere. I wish I could find that again. Blogging is so weird. I know everyone who's reading this probably knows what I mean. You can't not consider that people are reading it. I still sometimes think my parents might be able to see this blog because I looked at it a couple of times when I was home for Christmas. I don't want them to read it. I don't involve them in my life too much. I started talking to my mom more during the summer, because she knew she would miss me this year. Sometimes I think the image of my life I portray to my parents is a lie. Sometimes I think everything I show everyone else is a lie. It's just more true when I'm around my friends, because of my "unresponsible" habits, like drinking. I think my mom knows I drink some, I forget what I told her. Speaking of lying + alcohol... I never tell the whole truth to the doctor either. Binge drinking is considered 4 drinks a night. I still have not admitted (to the doctor) to drinking more than that, when clearly, I do. Doctors just don't think you can take care of yourself, ever. A while ago, my doctor thought I was anorexic because I started running and lost weight. I could never be anorexic. I love food too much.

I think I block people out sometimes. I need to stop doing that. But who really wants to hear the weird thoughts I think?
I listened to System of a Down today for practically the first time in months. It was amazing. There's something in "hardcore" music that really satisfies me if it's done well. Especially if I know all the words and can sing along.
Last night was really strange. I had an iced white mocha at 11, but was all set to have to give up on being productive around 2 because I stayed up till 3:30 Sunday night finishing 1984. I stayed up, working hard until 4:30. That's fucking amazing. And I got up and was normal for most of the day today (well I had more coffee, and I wasn't entirely there during math class). Now, I think if I weren't blogging, I might actually be really productive for another full night.
Maybe I'll go do that...

Once again, I'm having problems studying for a Japanese test tomorrow. I'm thinking about taking 21 credits next semester. But Chemistry will not be a part of that. I think I will give up on science for ever and use psychology as my lab requirement.
It's strange to think all classes will be over in two weeks. And than I'm going home. Home where I drive. Home where I rarely drink. Home where my room doesn't belong to me anymore. Home where I hang out at playgrounds and Wawa. Home where my best friends are.
Home is so different than school. I kinda want to go home to an empty house, so I don't have to deal with my family all the time. Except I really do miss my family. And I probably wouldn't take full advantage of the house...
Last year I had an empty house for a week. It was REALLY nice. This year, I might have an empty house for two weeks. If I don't go on the family vacation.
I can't wait to play summer league. I might make my ex throw with me every other day. Except he might take it the wrong way. I called him before winter break to say I wanted to play ultimate sometime, and he thought I said I wanted to "talk". Maybe I will just avoid him all together.
I am so not a skirt girl. My roommate is trying on various pretty outfits now, because she's going to some play tomorrow. She's tried on three pairs of heels so far, two skirts, three cute tank tops, and now she's wearing a dress. The only dresses I own are from prom. Sometimes I want to wear girly clothes, or something nice, but I don't own clothes that are really nice, and I usually don't care. But sometimes I wish I could pull off the look. Now, I feel like I've been not-caring too long to change. Plus I don't have enough money to change my entire wardrobe.
Back to studying...

Sunny days

I wanted to wear a skirt today. A short, plaid skirt. With boots, and my belt, and a black shirt. I have problems walking out of my room in outfits like that, though (even though that's my only outfit like that). I decided wearing a short skirt when you are going to walk 14-16 blocks to get a haircut is not the best plan. I think it's the staring. Or the fear that people are staring. Why do I care? It's not that I think I look bad in the skirt. In fact, I have gotten many good reactions from it. I guess I'm just not a skirt person in general. I had fun dancing in it in my room for a good half hour. I get a little weird when I'm in my dancing-in-the-room mood. I like dancing, but like my skirt, I don't really do it/wear it around others. Strange. Perhaps I'm not comfortable enough to scare people with my dancing/short skirt. Maybe those are two things I need to keep for myself to enjoy. I could just take myself on dates with iTunes, putting on my weirdest, coolest clothes, and dancing in front of a mirror...

Maybe I'll risk the cold tonight and wear my skirt to the birthday thing...

Procrastination

I suppose telling people officiates it. So I should stop thinking about it right? (This theory NEVER works)

God damn I don't want to write my English report tonight, much as Dystopias interest me.

Stress

Somehow, lots of school work doesn't eat at me. I feel like I don't get stressed out. Unless giving up and going to sleep counts. On some level, having a lot of work intimidates me, and I guess that makes me want to go to sleep instead of finishing it, but I always know that I'll finish it eventually and it's ok if everything isn't perfect. I can only hope that I'll start to care more as finals approach.

ULTIMATE!!!

Wow. I think I played better this weekend than I have all year. That kinda makes me frustrated, because I feel like I should've been playing like I did this year all this semester. However, I think I can content myself by thinking I will continue to get better. Part of me wants to ask everyone to throw with me whenever I have free time, but I tend to be really lazy/anti-social when I have free time during the week.
Ahh Ani lyrics. I don't know why, but today "My I.Q." has been running through my head:
"and I sing sometimes like my life is at stake cause you're only as loud as the noises you make, and I'm learning to laugh as hard as I can listen cause silence is violence in women and poor people, if more people were screaming than I could relax"
You totally should listen to that song.

Disconnected

I feel disconnected from people at school. Like I have friends I hang out with, but no one to really talk to. And I sometimes psych myself out and think no one really wants to hang out with me, I just show up to parties and no one objects. I suppose that's partly my fault, being "reserved".
Room selection sucked today. I thought my number was semi OK. It was 190. I heard later that was out of 242. But anyway, I thought getting a single in Hewitt wouldn't be a problem. When I got to the James Room, though, they announce that only doubles in Elliot and the Manhattan School of Music are left. What fuck? Elliot is a terrible place to live, and the Manhattan School of Music doesn't have kitchen facilities. Plus, my group never talked about the possibility of doubles, really. So I filled out a Guaranteed Housing Wait List form. Now I have no idea where I'm living, and I won't find out till August. This could be a good thing. Maybe if I don't get a single, I'll get a good roommate and we will be best friends. Maybe I'll get into a room in a suite, and I will have an excellent kitchen. There's even a small chance I could end up in Columbia housing. Nothing is worse than Elliot doubles, right? Worse case scenario: I'll end up in Elliot next year anyway, except I waited longer to find out. At least right now I have hope of getting a single.

Sigh

I wrote an amazing entry about my exploration of Broadway on Monday, but blogger deleted it. Darn.
I was not the 557th person to vote today, so I don't have a free season of Sex and the City. Double darn.
I made a plaster mold of my hand. When I filled it with plaster, there were huge air pockets in the fingers, so the fingers are not complete. The rest looks really cool though. It's sitting on my desk, waving at me. The detail is incredible! I was supposed to destroy my fridge today, but I didn't get around to it. I wish I could just take an axe and hack at it, but I'm sure my teacher will show me a much more civil way of destroying the huge box.