Fucking Spyware (a.k.a. Joni has invaded the computer room)

My computer's internet died. Because of a fucking spyware program. I'm not good with computers, and when my source of life and joy gets fucked up, and I can't fix it with out spending $30 I get very frustrated and obsessive. I didn't study for my calc final today because I was trying to fix my computer. So now I'm in the Sulzberger Computer Lab typing rather than sleeping so I can study tomorrow. Fuck about:blank. Whoever created that is an evil evil person. I've been online almost 24/7 since I got here, and that spyware peice of shit messed up my AIM. I deleted it and redownloaded it like three times, and it still doesn't let me IM people (but it tempts me by letting me sign on and see everyone else who is online). I am way too attacthed to AIM. Maybe another instant messaging thing would work. Isn't there one that accepts every type of instant message?

My roomates are gone. I celebrated by turning my third of the room backwards. I like staring at the wall better than staring into the middle of the room (potentially witnessing awkward moments of the roomates and company) when I'm at my computer. Which is often when I'm in my room. I like the solitude right now. I don't really want to go home. My room at home is cold. The coldest room in the house. I like being able to wear a T-shirt and jeans/sweat pants when I wander around my personal space. I shouldn't have to put on two layers of long sleeves before I go to sleep.

My RA told me how I could go into Columbia housing next year, and it seems like I should just get a single in Hewitt. The meal plan isn't that awful, and I really need a single. And I can go in with my friends so we'd have singles that are close together. I could still entertain people in my room in Hewitt, I just couldn't have parties (meaning I won't have to clean up after parties). It might work out well.

Dream

Five minutes before I woke up this morning, I was dreaming. I drove about two hours with my family to a group family therapy thing. I had to pee the entire drive. We went to a building near a shore, but in a forest. We were sitting in a circle with maybe four other families. I was the oldest one there. I still had to pee, but I was waiting for all the little kids to go. The leader lady started the session. She was asking questions and I wasn't really paying a attention. But just as it was my turn to use the bathroom she gave me a look asking me to stay a minute longer. She told us all to close our eyes and imagine something. Than she asked people what were they doing? When she came to me I was quiet. I wasn't really imagining anything, but I didn't want to say that. She said "If you're not doing anything that's ok" and I opened my eyes to say that "I don't know what I'm doing" but she was giving me this hard look and she said "You can write if you want to. It gets harder as you get older because there's more competition, but you can do it." Than I woke up. Do I want to major in English and write? My uncle has a very poor opinion of English majors. I told him my English teacher said I could major in English if I wanted to, and he said "You learn to write in almost any major. She just wants everyone to major in English" Frankly, I don't want to major in anything. You have to basically learn what to do at whatever job you do, so why this extended amount of schooling? I want to do an internship this summer to see if I can actually enjoy a job. Cashier jobs blow. I might work for two weeks over winter break at the place I worked last summer, however, I don't want to make myself more stressed than I am right now. You try being me and working with men who don't speak your language and serving bitchy customers with only a half hour lunch break and not get really stressed. I don't know if I need money enough to torture myself over break. I'd much rather be lazy or workout everyday.

There's about three days before my finals and I haven't studied enough. I have done a little bit, but I need to do a lot more. It's very hard to care though. I saw the Nightmare Before Christmas for the first time about an hour ago. Kinda cute. I missed out on a lot of childhood movies. The only thing useful I did today was think about eating (as in can I handle not having a meal plan next year). I bought my secret final week buddy a pack of pasta and sauce for 4 dollars. According to the package that pasta will make 8 to 9 servings. That's a better deal than the meal plan. I don't eat much healthier than pasta and sauce would be. And Hewitt meals are sickening me.

Idiot?

I worked an hour today that I didn't put on my time sheet that I turned in yesterday, which means I don't know when I will get paid for it. Why you ask? Because I'm a nice person. Five people had just came in the weight room at the beginning of this extra hour I worked (the next weight room manager didn't show up...) and I couldn't kick them out five minutes after they started working out. Especially because I don't have any plans tonight. But everyone I've talked to so far is like "damn i wouldve kicked them out in a second" maybe I just hate confrontation.

New

so i want to try posting stuff i write. can't promise it will be good and entertaining, but i like leaving my random words in many places floating around in my computer. so enjoy.


Here's a poem that might get published? who knows with all those poetry contests and scams.

At Night

would you think me insane
to long for small spaces?

enclose me
define me
solid walls emit comfort

the weight of the many blankets
the pressure of the chair on my curled up legs
the dark hallow under a desk at 3am

let the solid shapes define me
so I don't have to remember who I am

is this insanity?
does it matter?